Stock Market Entertainment

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office(the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
http://moneyover55.about.com

We wiil have to open "MISERABLE SATISFACTION SPOT" Very Soon


There will be lot of items of this type

DG

What is the content of the html you attached. . Is it safe to open?

D.G.Dayaratne wrote:

noname.html 2K View Download

slsotck
This is a email i received.

I opened it

Nothing happened

First Srilankan A 380 Arrived today .

First of two A 380s ordered by SriLankan landed this morning (at 10.15 a.m. 1-4-2013) at Katunayaka.
They say it will be flying daily from Mattala to Chennai to ease the congestion. .

I thought the management agreement with Emirates was over. Interesting news


----------- From an old newspaper article

SriLankan Airlines, which has been witnessing growth in load factors and route network post entering into a management contract with Emirates and going in for re-branding, has decided to renew the 10-year management contract that is due for expiry in March, 2008. Currently, negotiations are on between the two airlines and the contract is expected to be signed by April next year. Currently, Emirates has 40 per cent stake in the airline and while it has proposed to buy more stake, SriLankan Airlines is looking at increasing its own profitability. With a view to enhance its profits, the airline has proposed that it should be allowed to use two of the 50 Airbus A380, which will be delivered to Emirates by early 2009. SriLankan Airlines is planning to deploy these two aircraft on Indian routes.

"We will be signing the new management contract with Emirates once all the negotiations are finalised," Peter Hill, Chief Executive Officer, SriLankan Airlines, confirmed on the sidelines of a party held recently in Mumbai to celebrate the airline's achievement of 100 weekly flights to India.

Why Mattala airport in in Entertainment spot?

Air port is opened.No one can close it now

"BEDAGATHTHA BERE GAHANNA ONE"

Now we should try to utilize it economically

This not a Joke Very big amount of Public Funds

This forum should not consider it as a JOKE

ROCKET SCIENCE

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.


The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for! an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad (NO YOU CAN NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!), there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

( Source: from an old magazine . Origin unknown)

ස්පේස් ශටල් එකේ රොකට් වල පළල අශ්වයින් ඩිසයින් කරන විට - ලංකාවේ මාර්ග සැලසුම් කලේ හරක් !

පුරාණ ලංකාවේ ගම් අතර භාණ්ඩ ප්‍රවාහනය සඳහා යොදා ගැනුනේ තවලම් ය. ගවයන්ගේ පිට උඩ බඩු පොදි බැඳ එක පේලියට දක්කාගෙන යන ලදී.
මේ කාලයේ නිසි ලෙස නියමිත ස්ථාන වලින් සාදන ලද පාරවල් නොතිබූ අතර කැලෑ මන්ඩි අතරින් සැතපුම් ගණන් ගවයින් දැක්කිමට සිදුවිය.
වැසි කාලයට පසු වැවෙන කැලැව නිසා අඩි පාරවල් මැකීගිය විට හැමදා යන ගමන පුරුදු නායක ගවයින් තමන්ට පහසු සම උස ස්ථාන වලින් කැලෑව පීරා ගෙන අවශ්‍ය දෙසට ගමන් කලෝය. පසු පස එන අනිත් ගවයින්ද මේ පාරේම යමින් ගමන් කරති.
මෙසේ කාලයක් ගත වෙන විට තවලම් කණ්ඩායම් වල ගමන් වැඩි වන ප්‍රදේශ වල මාර්ග නැවත කැලෑවෙන් නොවැසි ස්ථිර අඩි පාරක් බවට පත් වෙයි.
පසු කාලවල ගැල් කරත්තද මේ මාර්ග වලම යාම නිසා පාර තවත් පලල් විය.
වර්තමානයේ කාපට් කර සුපිරි වාහන යන තත්වයට සකස් කර පළල වී ඇත්තේ අතීතයේ මේ හරකුන් විසින් ඩිසයින් කරන ලද මාර්ගය.
බොහෝ මහා මාර්ග වල අනවශ්‍ය වංගු ඇතිවී නගර අතර දුර සැහෙන්න වැඩිවී ඇත්තේ මේ නිසාය. ඒවා දැන් කෙලින් කර ගැනීමට නොහැකි ව හරකුන් ගිය පාරේම අපිත් යමින් සිටිමු.

- Explained to me by a civil engineer when I was working in a road construction project.

අලුතින්ම සැදු මාතර අධිවේගී පාර පමණක් කෙලින් දමාගන්න පුළුවන් උනා.
එය සැලසුම් කලේ හරක් නොවන බව මින් ඔප්පු වේ. !

Read below for your weekend humor ( disregard the obscene words as it is meant as humor )

Extra Extra read all about

---- the duck until exploded
racist park
Deformed Man end place
nic is coming
style of reminiscence with brusquerie and pizzazz


http://www.asia-insider-photos.com/funny-labels.html

http://offbeatchina.com/hilarious-chinese-to-english-translation-a-time-sex-thing-currency-recycle-system-and-dont-touch-yourself

Three University guys dodged exam because they did not study. They came up with a plan, got themselves dirty using grease, then went to see the Dean.

"Sir we are sorry we couldn't make it to the exam. We attended a wedding and on our way back the car broke down thus we became so dirty as you can see". The Dean understood and gave them three days to prepare.

After three days, they went to the Dean very ready for the exam because they had studied.

The Dean put them in three separate classes with only four questions in the exam paper;

1. Who and who got married? (25 marks)
2. Where was the reception held? (25 marks)
3. Where exactly did the car break down? (25 marks)
4.What type of car broke down? (25 marks)

Good luck,

Marking script: your answers must be the same.!!
Source: via email

Read more:
http://www.businessinsider.com/resignation-letter-written-on-a-cake-2013-4

No:362

Classic Exercises on Lateral Thinking

Questions :
13. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
14. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? (or day names in any other language)
15. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Solutions :
13. The answer is Charcoal.
14. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
15. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph...[/quote]

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD , the ALMIGHTY.
He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, you Believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD Good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?
Student : Yes.
Professor : My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent )

Professor : You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella.
Is GOD Good?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Is Satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor : Where does Satan come from ?
Student : From . . . GOD . . .
Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?
Student : Yes.
Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor : So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer)

Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, who Created them ?

(Student had no answer)

Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you. Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD , Tasted your GOD , Smelt your GOD ? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor : Yes, Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor : Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor : Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn't..

(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events )

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.
We cannot Measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?
Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?
Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something
You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . . But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?
Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it
Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?
Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going )

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and Cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor,
Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
(The Class was in Uproar )

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain?

(The Class broke out into Laughter )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or Smelt it? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that You have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?

(The Room was Silent. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)

Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student : That is it sir . . . Exactly !
The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.

That student was Albert Einstein.
( However, someone suggested Einstein did not have this conversation. See http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp )
Source: http://makingabeautifulworld.com/

what a joke he he

Subject: Fundamentals of Finance!
There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone: “don’t move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
-------------------------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
-------------------------------------------------
When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
-------------------------------------------------
After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
-------------------------------------------------
The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
-------------------------------------------------
The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
-------------------------------------------------
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"
********************************************************************

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town prosecuter called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a cheap paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The prosecutor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the lawyer or the defence ?"

Again she replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence lawyer almost died.

Then the judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you smart b*****ds asks her if she knows me, I'll have you thrown in jail for contempt."
Source: via email

LSE @ 'Thought of the Day' wrote:

She won't go