Stock Market Entertainment

yoyo wrote:One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...
Teacher : What kind of wife do you like Johnny?
Johnny : I want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning....

No:12

stupid question, great response!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian..

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio-cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

Many things depend on our vision…..

yoyo wrote:One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...
Teacher : What kind of wife do you like Johnny?
Johnny : I want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning....

Lol..

SL.Market wrote:No:12

stupid question, great response!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian..

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio-cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

Many things depend on our vision…..

Always speak the truth to your parents
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.
.
.
.
and
.
.
.
.
.
Run away immediately after speaking it.

Seeing a Cockroach on ur bed
is nothing actually....!!
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The Real Problem Starts When It Disappears...!! ;-)

God created the donkey and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiring from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back” You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much” Give me only 20 years.
God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend” You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.You will be a dog.
"The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years are too much, give me only 15 years.
God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years.
"The monkey answered: "To live 20 years are too much, give me only 10 years.
God granted his wish.

Finally God created man and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth”. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.
God granted man's wish.
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, Marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown, He lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life, isn’t it?

A father sent his son abroad to get a good education. On his return after getting the business management degree,
the father took the son to show his business, a sausage factory.

After the inspection was over, the father asked the son for his suggestions to improve the business.

The son said: " I noticed that you are putting pigs into the machine and getting the sausages out.,
instead of this as a new concept, why don't we reverse-engineer the process
and put sausages in and get the pigs out from the machine.?"

Dad got so annoyed and said, " Wow, you are so bright!
But only your mom has this kind of machine.
When I put my sausage in, a pig came out as son!"

A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman


DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her
$800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?
'The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.
'I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



Source: Received via email

sriranga wrote:God created the donkey and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiring from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back” You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much” Give me only 20 years.
God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend” You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.You will be a dog.
"The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years are too much, give me only 15 years.
God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years.
"The monkey answered: "To live 20 years are too much, give me only 10 years.
God granted his wish.

Finally God created man and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth”. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused.
God granted man's wish.
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, Marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown, He lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life, isn’t it?

It is the reality. Yes, this is the life.

At home u watch TV,
But when u go out u take ur MOBILE.

No money, u sells the TV,
Got money u change ur MOBILE.

Sometimes u enjoy TV,
But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.

TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote,
MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),
But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).
Do not keep the mobile phone in front of the TV

Last but not least..
TVs don’t have viruses,
But MOBILEs often do!.

Husband: Do you know the meaning of W I F E?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,With Idiot For Ever


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills..

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute

I asked you to marry me.


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

You know, I was a fool when I married you..

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice"

Source: via email

No:23
Hi all,

Please read this joke...
Which is really smart,
Intelligent
And
Out of the box...!!!
(caution this is slightly Non-Veg!
Joke,
But, not offensive)

Enjoy!

A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,"Boy. What is your problem?"

Boy answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade
And
I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"
Madam had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office,
Madam explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test
And
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade
And
Behave.
She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
"I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade."

Madam says to the principal,
"I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?"
The principal and the boy both agreed.

Madam asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Boy, after a moment,
"Legs."

Madam:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.:
"Pockets."

Madam:
What starts with a C and ends with a T,
Is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.:
Coconut ;

Madam:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And
Before he could stop the answer,
The boy was taking charge.
Boy.:
Bubble-gum.

Madam:
What does a man do standing up,
A woman does sitting down
And
A dog does on three legs?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And
Before, he could stop the answer...
Boy.:
Shake hands.

Madam:
A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Boy.:
Wedding Ring.

Madam:
I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well,
I drip.
When you blow me,
You feel good.
Boy.:
Nose.

Madam:
I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver..
Boy.:
Arrow.

Madam:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
That means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.:
Fire-truck.

Madam:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
&
If you don't get it,
You have to use your hand.
Boy.:
Fork.

Madam:
What is it that all men have one of,
it's longer on some men than on others,
The Pope doesn't use his
And
A man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.:
SURNAME.

Madam:
What part of the man has no bone
But has muscles,
Has lots of veins,
Like pumping,
&
Is responsible for making love ?
Boy.:
HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief
And
Said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to grade 5,
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".

speaker on

No:25
Little Amdon was sitting in class doing math problems when
his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Amdon, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one,
with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Amdon, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four" said the teacher,
"but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Amdon says, "OK. Miss, I have a question for you now."
"If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop,
one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone ,
and the third was sucking the cone,
which one is married?"

"Well", said the teacher nervously,
"I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No", said Little Amdon,
"the one with the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you are thinking."

No:26
Little Amdon was sitting in class doing math problems when
his teacher picked him to answer a question.

Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You can talk to this person for hours and never get bored. You can tell this person things and they will never judge you. This person is your soul mate...your best friend, never let them go...

A Sri Lankan went hunting one day in Scotland and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his
truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Sri Lankans .

The game warden ordered the Sri Lankan to show his hunting license, and the Sri Lankan pulled out a valid Scottish hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its
bottom, and said, "This duck ain't from Scotland . This is a Welsh duck. You got a Welsh hunting' license, lad?" The Sri Lankan reached into his wallet and produced a Welsh hunting license.


The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bottom, and
said "This ain't no Welsh duck. This duck's from Ireland . You got a Irish license?" The Sri Lankan reached into wallet and produced an Irish hunting license.


The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bottom, and said, "This ain't no Irish duck. This here duck's from England . You got an English huntin' license?" Again the Sri Lankan reached into his wallet and brought out an English hunting license.


The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sri Lankan "Just where the hell are you from???!!!"
The Sri Lankan turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

Source: via email

No:28

ONE PARAGRAPH THAT EXPLAINS LIFE!

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983.
From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
To this Arthur Ashe replied:

"The world over -- 50 million children start playing tennis, 5 million learn to play tennis,
500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam,
50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals,
when I was holding a cup I never asked GOD 'Why me?'.
And today in pain I should not be asking GOD 'Why me?' "

"Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrow keeps you Human,
Failure keeps you humble and Success keeps you glowing, but only Faith & Attitude Keeps you going...

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students


The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"


Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's office.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3x3?"

Boy: "9"

Principal: "What is 6x6?"

Boy: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think
Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I
ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets"!

Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Boy: Coconut


Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum


Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands


Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy: "Yep"


Ms Neelam: "You stick! Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up.. I get wet before you do."

Boy: "Tent"


Ms Neelam: " A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a
bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: "Wedding Ring"


Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose"


Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver."

Boy: "Arrow"


Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means lot of heat and excitement?"

Boy: "Firetruck"


Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get
it u have to use your hand"

Boy: "Fork"


Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?"

Boy: "SURNAME"


Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy: "HEART"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send
this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some coke. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing lead to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me". "Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says..."You Damn liar!!! You were playing billiards again!!!"

Moral of the Story: "Always speak the truth, even in front of your wife"

sriranga wrote:A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some coke. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing lead to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me". "Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says..."You Damn liar!!! You were playing billiards again!!!"

Moral of the Story: "Always speak the truth, even in front of your wife"

Good one

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Think this is a joke happen....

2011_NewComer wrote:A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman


DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

One of the best one.Not just a joke.

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders Fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab, please tell me what he does with all these Black bras.

The Arab answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Source: via email