Stock Market Entertainment

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied,” Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?” No,’ she answered. I then said,’ Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes….’So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.”I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her, “Do you know him?”"Yes”, she sighed,”He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”"My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed… I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husbandis out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application…When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,”I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.I really need you to pay me a compliment.’I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..

Source: via email

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.

I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste.

I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but
they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours.

Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty”and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset,and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position,dating with you is also a “trading position”.

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you
wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or
“leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in “leasing” services,do contact me.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

01. Some like it long, some like it short.
02. You can study the market as much as you like, but it all comes down to luck.
03. Those who talk about it the most, have the least experience.
04. One simple mistake could lead to 18 unprofitable years.
05. Some prefer to sit back and watch it grow.
06. Terms include swing trading, asset turnover, naked call, after hours, insider trading, silent partner, blind entries, 30-day wash rule, straddle, triangles, descending tops, ascending bottoms, pump and dump, partial surrender, stop order, position limit, voluntary liquidation, and explicit interest.
07. Low confidence can keep you out of the market.
08. Everyone tends to focus on performance.
09. Some do it alone, others do it with a group, and some hire professionals, and the best reason …
10. Some positions are better than others and the best position is always up for debate!
And remember, past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results.

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?



Think before you continue reading.



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.




YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS…………………
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

And the lesson for traders?
Our stubborn thinking about what the market ought to do or should do can keep us from seeing what the market is doing.
Never forget that it may be best to get out of our own way and “think outside the charts.” In so doing, we may just be able to find the best answer among several difficult choices.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

“I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.

So the doorman leads him to the dorm.

They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

“See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”
"That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”

“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”

“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”
“That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it.
“I’m your last roommate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think stock markets are headed?”

A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it.

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Reshma,
Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

(a)10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it,
you

hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple

early at
6:00 A.Mbecause :
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay
in expressing it.
If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart
and it's getting ready to bloom.
If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love
me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love,

Aakash

*******************************************************
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........

Aakash,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.
(a) Yes (b) No

2) If a girls laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes (b) No

3) While singing, if somebody forgets

lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not?
(a) Yes (b) No

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.
You poked your nose inside..... right ?
(a) Yes (b) No

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes (b) No

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
a)Yes (b) No

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes (b) No

You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's
flower. Is
it true ?
(a) Yes (b) No

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes (b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you.
If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.

Reshma

Good one.

A keen immigrant Indian lad applied for a salesman’s job at London’s premier downtown Department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes sir, I was a salesman in Rajasthan in India “, replied the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.

And finally 6:00 PM came around.

The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”

“Sir, Just ONE sale.” said the young salesman. “Only one sale?” blurted the boss.

“No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.

“If you want to keep this job, you’d better be doing better than just one sale.

By the way “How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four pounds” said the young marwari.

“What”,” How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well”, said the salesman, “This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.

Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

So I told him he’d be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.

I then asked him where he’ll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we’re at it, I should throw in about £100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!”

“No” answered the salesman, “he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, “Your weekend is screwed anyway; you might as well go fishing.”

Due to current dull market situation, I think it is better to have fun a bit while we are investing. Just check

http://www.fun-zone.in

After seen all the scandals in CSE, I thought to share the following diagram.




(Courtesy - http://www.anirudhsethireport.com)

No:234

KNOW UR Value....!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a Rupee 500 note.

In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this Rupee 500 note?"

Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this note to one of you

but first let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the note up.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and
started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all
crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not
decrease in value. It was still worth Rupee 500/-.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt
by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as
though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose
your value.

You are special. Don't ever forget it! Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams.

" VALUE HAS A VALUE ONLY IF ITS VALUE IS VALUED "

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asks … “What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed Him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,

"Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins.

Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.

" I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz

No:240

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.

Guy: No this is fun.

Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl hugs him

Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.

In the paper the next day A motorcycle had crashed into a building because
of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only one had survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes
broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she
loved him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that
she would live even though it meant that he would die.

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you Will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ....

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You got Male!

Source:via email