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FINANCIAL CHRONICLE™ » FUN CHRONICLE™ » Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes

+20
CSE.SAS
player
Tiger
dashika rebekani
Rocky
investor.sl
hipokid
MarketResearch
xhora
duke
Antonym
jreshu
tkc
Meta Trader
milanka
greene
chamith
kuk83
StocksWatch
Quibit
24 posters

Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Go down  Message [Page 2 of 3]

26Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm

StocksWatch


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

27Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm

kuk83


Manager - Equity Analytics
Manager - Equity Analytics
@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Best joke Very Happy Very Happy

28Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm

chamith


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good

-------------------------------

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

29Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm

greene


Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic
@Quibit wrote:Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

xD

30Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:42 pm

milanka


Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
@StocksWatch wrote:My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

And for myself – working with the bank manager, for the best house mortgage plan..

http://forum.srilankaequity.com/u188

31Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:00 am

Meta Trader

Meta Trader
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Stock Market Investment tips for 2011

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2011.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

32Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:02 am

Meta Trader

Meta Trader
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationery.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

33Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 08, 2011 6:40 am

tkc

tkc
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
About Stocks Trading Strategies

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
By Clint Eastwood

34Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Financial Jokes, Share Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 11:35 am

jreshu


Stock Trader
Wallstreet Market Commentary ...

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
Making Money
Q: How to make a million in the stock market?
A: Start with two!
QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER : When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!" (he's waitin always to get the price...)
--------------------------------------------
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
--------------------------------------------
The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Sensex was unchanged and they called it a rally......

------------------
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before
---------------------------------------------------
"I hear that you drop some money in Markets. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."


http://accurate-sureshot-stock-tips.blogspot.com/p/financial-jokes-share-market-jokes_07.html



Last edited by Quibit on Fri May 13, 2011 12:23 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Post Modified to include Jokes from Posters websites)

35Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 12:15 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Your post moved to Entertainment Section.

36Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 12:47 pm

Antonym

Antonym
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Hi, Quibit - I am not sure whether my comment deserves to be in the Entertainment Section. Just delete it. Smile

37Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 1:04 pm

milanka

milanka
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were 2 years ago.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.


http://forum.srilankaequity.com/u188

38Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 1:06 pm

duke


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

39Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 1:47 pm

milanka

milanka
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
@duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

http://forum.srilankaequity.com/u188

40Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 2:37 pm

duke


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
@milanka wrote:
@duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

yep, that's the one. Smile

41Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Wed May 18, 2011 9:19 am

tkc

tkc
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Boy : Do you Love me ?
Girl: Yes, a lot Smile

*Boy goes Running*

Girl : Where are you going?
Boy : To update my Relationship status on Facebook.

This is not related to stock market.But it is Cool Cool

42Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 22, 2011 10:53 am

duke


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

43Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 22, 2011 11:40 am

xhora

xhora
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
@duke wrote:Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Best joke ever

44Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:53 am

MarketResearch

MarketResearch
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Ane Andanna Epa Raththaran me MR innakan

45Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:11 am

hipokid

hipokid
Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic
Some shares go up
Some shares go down
Some are remaining same
I lost day by day
Embarassed

46Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:02 am

investor.sl

investor.sl
Senior Equity Analytic
Senior Equity Analytic
all shares go down Very Happy

47Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:51 pm

Antonym

Antonym
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.

48Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty 1st person to Float Stocks and Company Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:34 pm

Rocky

Rocky
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Noah was the 1st person to float his stocks and company.
Whereas, all the others liquidated theirs!

49Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:03 pm

dashika rebekani


Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic


Re: Stock Market Jokes

Post by Antonym Yesterday at 7:51 pm

Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.



GOOD ONE BUDDY lol! lol! lol!

_________________

50Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:34 pm

Tiger

Tiger
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

lol!

51Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:40 pm

player

player
Moderator
Moderator
@Tiger wrote:8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

lol!

ela,our retailers will buy in mad and indexes may rose by over 300 points AND trading may halt,and indexes will climb down again after two or three days .........
then our ppl will say

"this is due to US debt crisis,we should give them credit to survive the mkt"

heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Razz Razz Razz

52Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:49 pm

Rocky

Rocky
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Convert to cash,
High inflation is neigh!

53Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:45 pm

CSE.SAS

CSE.SAS
Global Moderator
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
The new name - Ow Jones.
From Milton Berle's collection

54Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:10 pm

kaka


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
The dentist

A stockbroker walked into a dental clinic and asked for costing for getting a tooth taken out.

"Well," said the dentist, ‘That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the best and latest in dental treatment. We can get an anaesthetist from the local hospital and skilled, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.’

"Sounds good," said the man, "how much?"
‘£200 per tooth’, dentist said.
"That’s extortion!" the stockbroker replied.

Then the dentist said, "We can give you standard NHS treatment. I do the anaesthetic myself - no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’ll only cost you £20.’

"No, that’s still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?" , the stockbroker said.

‘Tell you what,’ said the dentist, getting angry, ‘I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful and a lot of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you’ll struggle to talk for at least two days. I’d do it for £5 and take pleasure in it.’

"OK, you got yourself a deal... book my wife in for next Tuesday", the stockbroker said.

55Stock Market Jokes - Page 2 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:13 pm

kaka


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Old Jack
Old Jack had been a penny-pinching miser all his life, and made it clear to his family that he wanted to take his money with him when he died. When he passed away he was laid out in the front parlour. When his bank manager called to offer his condolences he said.

”I expected to see the coffin filled with his money as he requested,” he remarked.

”Oh yes, he can have it,” said his widow, and holding up a bank cheque, placed it gently between old Jack’s icy fingers.

”As soon as he presents the cheque you can give him the money” she said. Thisismoney

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