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FINANCIAL CHRONICLE™ » FUN CHRONICLE™ » Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes

+20
CSE.SAS
player
Tiger
dashika rebekani
Rocky
investor.sl
hipokid
MarketResearch
xhora
duke
Antonym
jreshu
tkc
Meta Trader
milanka
greene
chamith
kuk83
StocksWatch
Quibit
24 posters

Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Go down  Message [Page 2 of 3]

41Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Wed May 18, 2011 9:19 am

tkc


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics

Boy : Do you Love me ?
Girl: Yes, a lot Smile

*Boy goes Running*

Girl : Where are you going?
Boy : To update my Relationship status on Facebook.

This is not related to stock market.But it is Cool Cool

42Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 22, 2011 10:53 am

duke


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics

Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

43Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 22, 2011 11:40 am

xhora


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics

@duke wrote:Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Best joke ever

44Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:53 am

MarketResearch


Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics

@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Ane Andanna Epa Raththaran me MR innakan

45Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:11 am

hipokid


Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic

Some shares go up
Some shares go down
Some are remaining same
I lost day by day
Embarassed

46Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:02 am

investor.sl

investor.sl
Senior Equity Analytic
Senior Equity Analytic

all shares go down Very Happy

47Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:51 pm

Antonym

Antonym
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics

Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.

48Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty 1st person to Float Stocks and Company Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:34 pm

Rocky

Rocky
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics

Noah was the 1st person to float his stocks and company.
Whereas, all the others liquidated theirs!

49Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:03 pm

dashika rebekani


Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic



Re: Stock Market Jokes

Post by Antonym Yesterday at 7:51 pm

Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.



GOOD ONE BUDDY lol! lol! lol!

_________________

50Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:34 pm

Tiger

Tiger
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics

8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

lol!

51Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:40 pm

player

player
Moderator
Moderator

@Tiger wrote:8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

lol!

ela,our retailers will buy in mad and indexes may rose by over 300 points AND trading may halt,and indexes will climb down again after two or three days .........
then our ppl will say

"this is due to US debt crisis,we should give them credit to survive the mkt"

heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Razz Razz Razz

52Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:49 pm

Rocky

Rocky
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics

Convert to cash,
High inflation is neigh!

53Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:45 pm

CSE.SAS

CSE.SAS
Global Moderator

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
The new name - Ow Jones.
From Milton Berle's collection

54Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:10 pm

kaka


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics

The dentist

A stockbroker walked into a dental clinic and asked for costing for getting a tooth taken out.

"Well," said the dentist, ‘That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the best and latest in dental treatment. We can get an anaesthetist from the local hospital and skilled, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.’

"Sounds good," said the man, "how much?"
‘£200 per tooth’, dentist said.
"That’s extortion!" the stockbroker replied.

Then the dentist said, "We can give you standard NHS treatment. I do the anaesthetic myself - no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’ll only cost you £20.’

"No, that’s still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?" , the stockbroker said.

‘Tell you what,’ said the dentist, getting angry, ‘I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful and a lot of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you’ll struggle to talk for at least two days. I’d do it for £5 and take pleasure in it.’

"OK, you got yourself a deal... book my wife in for next Tuesday", the stockbroker said.

55Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:13 pm

kaka


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics

Old Jack
Old Jack had been a penny-pinching miser all his life, and made it clear to his family that he wanted to take his money with him when he died. When he passed away he was laid out in the front parlour. When his bank manager called to offer his condolences he said.

”I expected to see the coffin filled with his money as he requested,” he remarked.

”Oh yes, he can have it,” said his widow, and holding up a bank cheque, placed it gently between old Jack’s icy fingers.

”As soon as he presents the cheque you can give him the money” she said. Thisismoney

56Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:14 pm

kaka


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics

Challenge beyond January 1 celebrations for business leaders
Every year, business leaders kick off January with a series of events including celebrations, recognising and rewarding employees, new goal setting, strategy formulation and alignment, motivational programs and plans to accomplish goals in the coming months.

Communication can be the first step to making real, meaningful changes - changes for improvement. And then managing the mindset of employees throughout the year. Every single day is critical, hence maintaining high energy levels is crucial to business success.

Peace brings opportunity but intensifies competition
Whether we like it or not, this year will be tougher than the last. Despite the looming world economic downturn, even if the local macro environment improves expanding our markets, each business will have more competition.

You know how competition intensified over the past two years with permanent peace dawning. Even if none-of these are barriers, meeting stakeholders will pose incremental challenges. If you raise your expectations over demanded expectations you will challenge yourself to get the best. So it's not doing the same things as we did last year but doing it differently for the same results. If we want more, we have to change at higher levels.

Communicate the challenge, expectation and support to employees
Clearly explain to each employee what is expected of him or her during this year. Also, remind them of why he or she was given that specific role. Raise your level of expectations aligning with the challenge and goals. If your employees see that you are expecting more from them within realistic boundaries, they'll be encouraged to be committed. On the other hand, if your employees feel that the management doesn't trust that they can perform at a high level, they won't be motivated to do anything more than what is necessary to get their pay.

Set specific communication times and timelines. To run a successful business, the employer and employee must be on the same page, working towards a common goal. It's necessary to have open lines of communication. Deciding on how often to meet and review- whether on a weekly or monthly basis - will streamline issues and questions and ensure that important items are addressed and timely decisions are taken.

Keeping energy levels of employees high
Motivation is key to tapping into the inner power of people. Motivation is two fold - internal and external motivation. Internal is self and external is by others.

What is more fruitful and sustainable is their own personal motivational forces. Creating an organisational environment within which employees can gain job satisfaction is the only way for inner motivation of employees.

For the employer this means optimum realisable quality results through people. Self-motivation is more lasting and effective - it's a win-win for the employee and employer. Inspire self motivated staff by trusting them to work on their own initiatives rather than leader imposed initiatives. It's a mind game - and it all depends on how you manage the mindset of the employees as a leader.

http://www.sundayobserver.lk/2012/01/08/fin40.asp

57Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:56 am

kaka


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics

Three envelopes
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

http://www.sundayobserver.lk/2012/01/15/fin40.asp

58Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:56 am

kaka


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics

The farm job
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the cow dung. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potato bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with rubbish, but now you ask me to make decisions
http://www.sundayobserver.lk/2012/01/15/fin40.asp

59Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 15, 2012 1:34 pm

Kumar

Kumar
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics

Thanks kaka for sharing the above posts.
Good for relaxation no?

60Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:41 pm

meet3379


Stock Trader

Stock market is important in our life. its provide great result.

61Stock Market Jokes - Page 3 Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Wed Jun 16, 2021 1:53 am

CHRONICLE™

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Admin

Wallstreet Market Commentary

Wallstreet Market Commentary ...
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

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