Stock Market Entertainment

sriranga wrote:A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some coke. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing lead to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me". "Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says..."You Damn liar!!! You were playing billiards again!!!"

Moral of the Story: "Always speak the truth, even in front of your wife"

Good one

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Think this is a joke happen....

2011_NewComer wrote:A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman


DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

One of the best one.Not just a joke.

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders Fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab, please tell me what he does with all these Black bras.

The Arab answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Source: via email

Source: via email

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand --
And divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marrriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you
Said. After marriage, he will fall asleep
Before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate
lover, but again, the law allows only
one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.


Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"


Source: via email

Source: via email

No:38

Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Udurawana : 13 th October
Which year?
Udurawana : EVERY YEAR

=======================================
Manager asked Udurawana at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Udurawana replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

=======================================
After returning back from a foreign trip, Udurawana asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Udurawana : In London a lady asked me "Are you a foreigner?"

=======================================
One tourist from U.S.A. asked Udurawana " Any great man born in this village???"
Udurawana : no sir, only small Babies!!!

=======================================
In the university, lecturer asked to write a note on "Buddha Jayanthi"
So Udurawana writes, "Buddha was born in India & was a great Philosopher , but I don't know who is Jayanthi.

=======================================
Udurawana was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Udurawana said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

=======================================
On a political rally Udurawana was arrested.
Why???
A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it..

=======================================
When Udurawana was traveling with his wife in a three wheeler , the driver adjusted mirror.
Udurawana shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.

=======================================
Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Udurawana : its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

The are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're wet and wild,
But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car...

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You.
"The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords on Google `How to Tackle Wife? Google Search Result, "Still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," Says The Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...Husband: "MISSING YOU"...

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well, I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison"

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held,
talked to and
touched often.
But push the wrong button
and you're disconnected......
Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!
Romantic SMS Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:
My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you
He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

A Professor at a Managment Institute was explaining marketing concepts to the Students.


• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
- That's Direct Marketing

• You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising

• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say:
"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing

• You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink,
you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?"
- That's Public Relations

• You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry! Me?"
- That's Brand Recognition

• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback

• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
- That’s Demand and Supply Gap

• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her:
"I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's Competition eating into your Market Share

• You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives.
- That's Restriction for entering New Markets

Source: http://www.knowledgebase-script.com

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband !

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,
but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired..

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person..

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak !

[22] Man : Is there any way for long life ?
Dr : Get married.
Man : Will it help ?
Dr : No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding ? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands
before the fight begins !

[24] Wife : Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do ?
Husband : Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it !

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for An hour."
Husband : "I was just looking for the expiration date."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at Your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes!" I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sxxy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor"

Source: via email

No:44

Speaker on...

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India...

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi



NEVER MESS WITH any WOMEN

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

No:47

To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

To My Friends Who Are........... NOT SO SINGLE

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person." It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be .


To My Friends Who Are..PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE

Never say "I love you" if you don't care. Never talk
about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life
if you mean to break a heart . Never look in the
eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a
guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when
he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it works both
ways...

To My Friends Who are..........MARRIED

Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry." Not "where are you", but "I'm right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are."

To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED

The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

To My Friends Who Are.........NAIVE

How to be in love: Be able but don't
stumble, be consistent but not
too persistent, share and never be
unfair, understand and try not to
demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.


To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy
with someone else but it's more painful to know
that the one you love is unhappy with you.

To My Friends Who Are…….AFRAID TO CONFESS

Love hurts when you break up with someone.
It hurts even more when someone breaks up
with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.....

TO ALL MY FRIENDS.......

My wish for you is a man/woman whose love is honest, strong, mature, never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

Two friends were walking in the desert when they had a big argument. The first slapped the second across the face. Immediately the wronged friend took a stick and wrote in the sand “Today my best friend slapped my face”. The first friend was puzzled but they walked on.
They soon came across and an oasis and were so excited they recklessly jumped in. The slapped friend was not having a very good day. He could not swim. The first friend hauled him from the water and applied CPR. After some time the second friend, who had stopped breathing took a shaky breath.

As soon as the second friend recovered sufficiently he took a chisel to a rock and engraved on the rock face “ Today my friend saved my life”.
The second friend was again puzzled and asked “ Why when I do something hurtful to you do you write in sand and when I do something good, you write on rock?”
The second friend said “ When a friend does you wrong write about it in the sand and let the wind of forgiveness blow it away. When a friend does something good and kind engrave it in your heart and let no wind or storm take it from you”

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Source:http://www.knowledgebase-script.com

A Priest dies following a road accident & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy, with untidy hair , unshaven and dressed in a khaki coat and sarong tucked up and chewing betel with a tattoo visible in his chest of a cross with the words "YAKKA PARADDAMU" (defeat the devil) wearing BATA rubber slippers with a scarf round the neck.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to
admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Appuhamy the CTB driver from Srilanka.

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Appuhamy : Please take this silken
robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ..

In Srilanka the clegy is reserved seats immediately behind the driver in CTB buses and so the priest recognizes Appuhamy who recklessly drove the bus into the building at high speed. ..

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming
voice: I am Fr Pinto ,Head of the Don Bosco Seminary and one time parish priest of St Mary's Church and celebrated 40 years as a priest and service to God in December last year.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul
mouthed, rash Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden
scarf and me, a Priest, who's dedicated my whole life preaching your Name &wins
goodness and bringing up priests to serve you has to make do with only a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove, people
PRAYED'

It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts even in Heaven ............!!!!!!

Only in Sri Lanka

http://lankavoice.Deleted/2011/10/only-in-sri-lanka.html

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!


Moral: Presentation does matter. No matter what the reality is.

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds.
Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds.
Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"

The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million pounds, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"
Source: via email

No:54

How do men define a
"50/50" relationship?
...We cook - they eat.
We clean - they dirty

Why is psychoanalysis a lot easier for men than for women?
...Because when it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there!

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
...Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Investment advice

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay,Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk
of the town.

People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,'
explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a
trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far
when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked
down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'


'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.. Again my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from
her purse and shot the horse dead.

“I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.'

Source: via email