Stock Market Jokes

StocksWatch · 26 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm

StocksWatch

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Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

kuk83 · 27 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm

kuk83

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Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Best joke

chamith · 28 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm

chamith

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Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good

-------------------------------

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

greene · 29 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm

greene

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Quibit wrote:Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

xD

milanka · 30 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:42 pm

milanka

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StocksWatch wrote:My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

And for myself – working with the bank manager, for the best house mortgage plan..

Meta Trader · 31 Re: Stock Market Jokes Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:00 am

Meta Trader

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Stock Market Investment tips for 2011

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2011.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Meta Trader · 32 Re: Stock Market Jokes Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:02 am

Meta Trader

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Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationery.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

tkc · 33 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 08, 2011 6:40 am

tkc

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About Stocks Trading Strategies

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
By Clint Eastwood

jreshu · 34 Financial Jokes, Share Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 11:35 am

jreshu

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Wallstreet Market Commentary ...

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
Making Money
Q: How to make a million in the stock market?
A: Start with two!
QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER : When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!" (he's waitin always to get the price...)
--------------------------------------------
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
--------------------------------------------
The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Sensex was unchanged and they called it a rally......

------------------
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before
---------------------------------------------------
"I hear that you drop some money in Markets. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

http://accurate-sureshot-stock-tips.blogspot.com/p/financial-jokes-share-market-jokes_07.html

Last edited by Quibit on Fri May 13, 2011 12:23 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Post Modified to include Jokes from Posters websites)

Quibit · 35 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 12:15 pm

Quibit

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Your post moved to Entertainment Section.

Antonym · 36 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 12:47 pm

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Hi, Quibit - I am not sure whether my comment deserves to be in the Entertainment Section. Just delete it. Smile

milanka · 37 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 1:04 pm

milanka

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Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were 2 years ago.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

duke · 38 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 1:06 pm

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Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

milanka · 39 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 1:47 pm

milanka

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duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

duke · 40 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri May 13, 2011 2:37 pm

duke

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milanka wrote:

duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

yep, that's the one. Smile

tkc · 41 Re: Stock Market Jokes Wed May 18, 2011 9:19 am

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Boy : Do you Love me ?
Girl: Yes, a lot Smile

*Boy goes Running*

Girl : Where are you going?
Boy : To update my Relationship status on Facebook.

This is not related to stock market.But it is Cool

duke · 42 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 22, 2011 10:53 am

duke

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Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

xhora · 43 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun May 22, 2011 11:40 am

xhora

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duke wrote:Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Best joke ever

MarketResearch · 44 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:53 am

MarketResearch

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Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Ane Andanna Epa Raththaran me MR innakan

hipokid · 45 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:11 am

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Some shares go up
Some shares go down
Some are remaining same
I lost day by day
Embarassed

investor.sl · 46 Re: Stock Market Jokes Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:02 am

investor.sl

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all shares go down Very Happy

Antonym · 47 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:51 pm

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Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.

Rocky · 48 1st person to Float Stocks and Company Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:34 pm

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Noah was the 1st person to float his stocks and company.
Whereas, all the others liquidated theirs!

dashika rebekani · 49 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:03 pm

dashika rebekani

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Re: Stock Market Jokes

Post by Antonym Yesterday at 7:51 pm

Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.

GOOD ONE BUDDY lol!

_________________

Tiger · 50 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:34 pm

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8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

lol!

player · 51 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:40 pm

player

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Tiger wrote:8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

ela,our retailers will buy in mad and indexes may rose by over 300 points AND trading may halt,and indexes will climb down again after two or three days .........
then our ppl will say

"this is due to US debt crisis,we should give them credit to survive the mkt"

heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Razz

Rocky · 52 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:49 pm

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Convert to cash,
High inflation is neigh!

CSE.SAS · 53 Re: Stock Market Jokes Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:45 pm

CSE.SAS

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The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
The new name - Ow Jones.
From Milton Berle's collection

kaka · 54 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:10 pm

kaka

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The dentist

A stockbroker walked into a dental clinic and asked for costing for getting a tooth taken out.

"Well," said the dentist, ‘That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the best and latest in dental treatment. We can get an anaesthetist from the local hospital and skilled, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.’

"Sounds good," said the man, "how much?"
‘£200 per tooth’, dentist said.
"That’s extortion!" the stockbroker replied.

Then the dentist said, "We can give you standard NHS treatment. I do the anaesthetic myself - no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’ll only cost you £20.’

"No, that’s still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?" , the stockbroker said.

‘Tell you what,’ said the dentist, getting angry, ‘I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful and a lot of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you’ll struggle to talk for at least two days. I’d do it for £5 and take pleasure in it.’

"OK, you got yourself a deal... book my wife in for next Tuesday", the stockbroker said.

kaka · 55 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:13 pm

kaka

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Old Jack
Old Jack had been a penny-pinching miser all his life, and made it clear to his family that he wanted to take his money with him when he died. When he passed away he was laid out in the front parlour. When his bank manager called to offer his condolences he said.

”I expected to see the coffin filled with his money as he requested,” he remarked.

”Oh yes, he can have it,” said his widow, and holding up a bank cheque, placed it gently between old Jack’s icy fingers.

”As soon as he presents the cheque you can give him the money” she said. Thisismoney

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Stock Market Jokes

26 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm

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