Very Intelligent yet Hilarious remarks on American Politics and Economic Agenda from Cecily Strong's Speech

Full Transcript here

0:04okay
0:05feels right to have a woman follow President Obama doesn't
0:09yeah
0:11in
0:12good evening I'm senseless strongly and you may know me from Saturday Night Live
0:18or is the ethnically ambiguous girl from every college pressure
0:22behind serve a mash-up other people in hillary clinton's announcement video
0:27behind also the first
0:31straight woman so how's this in 20 years so
0:34we finally made it straight people but
0:40women heterosexuals their min
0:43now you're lame now
0:46I now you need to say something here just because I'm a woman
0:50doesn't mean I'm gonna go easy on you people I'm going to be easy on you
0:53people
0:54because my brain is smaller night
0:59do
1:02I feel very lucky to be here and last year's house Joel McHale
1:06proves that speaking at this dinner is an amazing opportunity
1:10they continue from starring in a show on NBC
1:13all the way to starring in that same show but on Yahoo
1:16I
1:17do
1:23I don't and check here and it was way more luxurious than I thought did you
1:27know that they have
1:28missiles seats available on this change I use it for a job I 10
1:33soon
1:34this handsome get Iran somehow I'm I hope everyone enjoyed dinner
1:39we tried to get memories pizza Decatur this event
1:43but they heard a rumor Barney Frank maybe here's town thanks a lot
1:47bernie I we could have had that world-famous
1:51Indiana pizza yeah I can make that jet but Indiana because I'm
1:57from la9 a
2:01I'm the White House Correspondents Dinner
2:04is a chance for I love you to unwind relax
2:08and laugh as soon as you notice someone slightly more powerful than you is
2:11laughing
2:14I that weird to be up here
2:17and okay I promise since I'm only comedienne
2:21I'm not going to I did tell you politicians haddon do politics so
2:25whenever
2:25and that's not my job that you like you guys telling me what to do with my body
2:31and make you mentioned
2:33a the
2:42not tonight cement is being broadcast on c-span
2:45so to some viewers watching at home and C span hello
2:49but to most viewers watching at home on C-span
2:52me now but
3:01now if we don't know how to find C span you just press the Guide button on your
3:05remote and then hit page
3:06up until your fam cramps at night
3:12but cases and I just wanna do a camera check real quick okay camera one
3:17and then set that sunlight
3:23it is great to be here at the Washington Hilton
3:26it's something a prostitute might say to a congressman
3:29in
3:36Washington Hilton you guys man
3:40if these walls could talk babe proudly say clean me
3:45land yeah it's crazy to think that our president is right here in the ballroom
3:51other Washington Hilton
3:53it's even crazier to think that our vice president is right now in the ball pit
3:58a Washington Chuck E Cheese this
4:04but seriously the Washington Hilton is great and I bet that when the president
4:08went and saw those Bell Habsi but
4:11finally some decent security yes
4:16so can just kidding now is let's give it up for the secret service
4:20yeah
4:25I don't be too hard on those guys
4:27you know because they're the only law enforcement agency in the country that
4:30will get in trouble it's a black man gets shocked
4:33I
4:36sis are using the are using true
4:39Louis
4:42bezane brings together so many different ways of delivering the news
4:46but you're all in this together from the networks at the front
4:50to the internet and cable in the bad all the way to the incredible print
4:54journalists are busting the tables this
4:58do MSNBC is here
5:02love MSNBC you know even their call letters are long winded
5:07list just a great variety of shows
5:10Rachel Manowar locked up abroad lockup Rana
5:14lockup SUV like up in espanol like a bloopers
5:19MSNBC show so many prison documentaries they're making and Schultz get a
5:23teardrop tattoo
5:24look some real black citizens here
5:29the box news has been losing a lot of viewers lately and maybe rest in peace
5:37that's nice to say that channel haha
5:41my ladies in all did snow every show on Fox News looks like a party scene from
5:45weekend at Bernie's
5:46do and you gotta give it up for CNN you know
5:52it's comforting to know that whenever a big story breaks
5:55I can turn to CNN and much Anthony Bourdain in a cricket
5:58bombings in post it here
6:03can we take no I met partnership with a lol
6:07everyone in my chat room what's up talking about it
6:13BuzzFeed it here but I can show you a list a column 17 reasons why they
6:18shouldn't be
6:19bliss
6:22United don't forget USA Today Ad here
6:25a great sin they're only here because they were slips under the hotel door
6:30I
6:32I
6:33minutes USA Today unless today is Saturday or Sunday
6:38it
6:43and here is here cleared
6:47there at the Fred NPR had a lot of success is Sara Keene a serial podcasts
6:51which finally answered the question what would it be like if somebody gently
6:55whispered an episode of Dateline
6:58and Sarah I'm so sorry you were able to get your plus one energy on time
7:03surging must be so pissed about the GATT its cereal but with unending
7:08Keiser next season pick someone you definitely did
7:12like the Manzanar ass
7:16this DNA on the 9th you guys
7:20NBC in here you know even as it as a noun to criticize this year for making
7:25fun to buy says
7:26now I think that's unfair I mean if anyone is guilty of taking ice is too
7:30lightly and Sam
7:32limitless
7:40no what can I say about Brian Williams
7:43nothing because I worked for NBC news
7:53know there's so many stars from so many great show this year
7:56we are really in a golden age in television you know but I have to say
8:00I still see so many negative for trails a black and gay people out there
8:04I mean its 2015 and we still have TV characters like Don Lemon
8:09city killing this
8:14like SM ABC's blackish it here
8:19which i think is very inappropriate add to the way they cheated those whales at
8:23SeaWorld
8:24this
8:25in
8:29so to get to the epic fantasy series Game of Thrones is here
8:32and they tell me that even they have never seen this many nerds before
8:36blame me camel here
8:40Naomi you're lucky Hillary Clinton is not here because
8:43if you threw a blackberry at her she would just delete everything right after
8:49this
8:52don't want to send this user a private email because she didn't want to use
8:55more than two devices
8:57now that sounds familiar it's because it's also one in the rules from the sex
9:00contract in 50 shades of grey s
9:04loves to get the downturn abby is here
9:08they should generous donation from the constituents apparent shock
9:13in now now speaking appearance at and
9:18you might notice I'm a little tan I just got back from
9:23the most fabulous chip that Aaron check me on and
9:26I brought my Instagram photos to share at the SM so you're probably familiar
9:30now with this picture shacks surfing in Hawaii but
9:34these might announce a little yes even saying the
9:37many and then you need a third for it I just sees aaron's ads
9:41Lily went diving into the school swimming pool he had films
9:47it hurt when I landed I
9:51ok and here's that mean and skydiving
9:54Aaron said he made his own pair soon as some gives his constituents save them
9:58so sweet and
10:02now and here we are at the Eiffel Tower in Paris
10:06pairs is so beautiful mister president you should really think about going and
10:10some time
10:12love
10:14I and the weather is decent and my
10:18menu we cannot ship to California we
10:22must have done this for hours on hours judge so much wasted modern
10:29band here Aaron Schock sound dinosaur
10:32I'll and used here we are after hunting the dinosaurs
10:37my when was that is that Brian you will Yahoo
10:41they're doing you ran school
10:44I
10:46and oh man air tonight we just said
10:49so much fun and now I know what you're thinking but it was not romantic
10:54it was strictly a friend said trip he reminded me every day
10:58boo
11:02for those couple %um but just because they're in shock resigned doesn't mean
11:06that they're
11:07are not any smoking hot congressman lab I mean
11:10lookin out tonight I see so many tens
11:13well Washington tens some new year fours
11:17lose Indiana 30 s
11:23senate Minority Leader Harry Reid is retiring after serving more than 30
11:27years in congress
11:28no I didn't know this Harry Reid was a boxer before he spent five terms as a
11:33punching bag I
11:36know what my favorite things that happen in congress this year
11:40was when Senator Jim Inhofe but in a snowball
11:43to prove that climate change is every I mean that blew my mind
11:48I don't even need to see the other science projects for spreadsheet and
11:52same you glad science to lie in command
11:56this
12:00so cool I senator tom patten got forty seven other senators signed an open
12:07letter he wrote to run
12:08and I guess the most surprising thing is that a guy named Tom cotton
12:13is a US Senator another rabbit from an old races disney cars shoes
12:20ok call please braille well-known told Tom cotton in the bulk purchase
12:30an ass
12:31now in time Kansas offense he was just trying to repair America's strained
12:36relationship with Israel
12:37be no he doesn't need to worry about that our relationship will be better in
12:40the next administration
12:42just as soon as israel makes a generous donation to the Clinton Foundation
12:45look
12:47list really
12:49learn Lee
12:51now it's been a great year for women
12:54and always sis
12:58this year representative from Hobby Lobby said they didn't want to pay for
13:01employees health care if it covered things like contraceptives
13:04which is weird because I asked him was what I'll is the yarn and miss
13:12and say that I do love Hobby Lobby I went there this morning and I just by
13:16the cutest in a wicker basket to hold on my morning after pills this
13:24I know representative veto barbieri recently as to ban ecological exams to
13:28be conducted by a woman smiling at camera
13:31but they can't and now be known as wife have ruined a perfectly good help round
13:39President Obama came out and support for putting women on money
13:42as opposed to the DEA agents you prefer to put money on women
13:46I
13:50so much to talk about this year but & Poor's
13:52the big story the republicans finally succeeded
13:56and Obama is reinforce Adam up within 18 months
14:00you to and the
14:04and there's so many great people party announced they're running for president
14:07like who say even vote for
14:09time is Michael Ruby I know it's like who's better than Michael Rubio
14:12hurry lyn is Rand Paul I mean who's who are knowledgeable about foreign policy
14:17then ramp up hiring
14:18levers 33 I mean good better on the economy than Hillary
14:23film boo
14:28dollars campaign slogan is it's your time
14:31which I assume is what she says into a mere well she's dead lifting 200-pound
14:36do
14:39said about hillary running time ensures she is excited about having to rent
14:44I think she feels the same way Meryl Streep feels when she says addition for
14:48something
14:49makin me yes make me go through them you know I'm gonna win
14:53the archives now
14:57this next part is a repeat after me so I need your help here
15:00I'm on all the media to put their hands up and swear something this election
15:04season okay
15:05I solemnly swear boo
15:09not to talk about hillary's appearance
15:14because that is not journalism in
15:19the
15:29also says lucerne let's play tonight
15:32down
15:36now I don't you take any event as an endorsement for hillary clinton because
15:41I would never blindly endorse a candidate I don't play on SNL
15:45the billion as our work cut out for her Democratic challenger
15:51is are a who's who have who is bad but
15:57Tim Webb lincoln Chafee Silas Phelps
16:02Peter Wilkes now those last two
16:12were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn you didn't even notice
16:16digit combat ban
16:22let's not forget martin O'Malley lit oh and the dad that's just as actual
16:27campaign slogan let's not forget martin O'Malley
16:34lincoln Chafee is considering entering the race lincoln Chafee thinking in the
16:37president is like watching a dog look for its dead owner like
16:40om heat is unknown
16:44the
16:48lovely woman elizabeth born to run for president but many think she's too
16:52idealistic and her proposed policies are too liberal
16:55but look at President Obama I mean given that the same thing about him he ended
16:59up doing a headstand
17:05I
17:06now the Republican field as ideologically diverse
17:09including people like Ted Cruz is a tea partier and Rand Paul the libertarian
17:14and even people like Chris Christie has a democrat yes
17:20jeb Bush's probably in the race the presidential race not the Hispanic brace
17:24that is an accident and by the way jab
17:27is actually an acronym for John Ellis butts
17:30I guess he thought that senator leaders so he will weigh in overtime and say
17:34this
17:36you like it Benedict Cumberbatch decided to go by Skeeter
17:40lose
17:43yes
17:46my career is running for president when Jebus found out he said
17:49ideas mio yes
17:54Gregory I makes Mitt Romney seemed relaxed on the air
17:57I just took my girl gets comfortable in front of a camera before yesterday on TV
18:01to endorse jab
18:02bold that one
18:08chris Christie is said that if he's elected president he would crack down on
18:11state to legalize marijuana because he believes marijuana is a gateway Jan
18:15so like that bridge to other journalists
18:19many months to shut down that bridge fine I'm just looking
18:23the
18:25new poll shows that chris Christie's approval ratings in New Jersey are at an
18:28all-time low
18:29in fact the only thing new jerseyans approval last is quote
18:33that the many think I would state uses star look
18:39said Chris it's like the right wing but what's the exact
18:43up a set up a black president company Canadian Latinos will never be president
18:47but
18:50pencil he was born in Canada a child a cuban immigrants
18:54I kinda can't believe he wasn't in hillary's announcement video
18:57but Bowling Green is considering running for president
19:03seems like a lot of work just to be a fax news pendant
19:06I Rand Paul has announced that he's taking over the family's not being
19:12president business
19:14behind yes that's random as in
19:17he didn't get elected but at least the range lose
19:23Nepal the libertarian which if you're unfamiliar
19:26a libertarian is just a Republican that you have to block on Twitter
19:29this
19:32grandpa's campaign slogan is defeat the Washington machine unleash the American
19:37dream
19:37the American Dream a course is the model name a grandpa's way
19:41I well and not talk about 2016 let's talk about the most important person in
19:47the room my leader
19:49the person I'm so glad it's in the white house Michelle
19:52Obama's Michelle
19:59you take care that God my you can because in a team as you know bill stern
20:03and that they in turn a bug ample
20:04lose
20:11but there's a Michelle Obama what an amazing woman
20:14a harvard-educated lawyer appears advocate for LGBT rights
20:19and the banner at the let's move campaign to combat childhood obesity
20:23it is a dream to sit next year but it's a nightmare to
20:26exes I said I have a confession
20:31you know when I'm gonna to the bathroom like 20 minutes
20:34I and I had a cheese pizza and Thailand
20:39sang-moon
20:42employers mister president thank you so much for taking time away from being on
20:47Jimmy Kimmel to be here
20:48but
20:50it's amazing to see if the president having this fancy dinner and I know
20:54this message pass to China food stamps so thank you yeah
20:59I can say that you have against well I don't know this
21:02by President Obama and i actually grew up together in Chicago
21:05I remember when we used to go down to the cabrini green basketball courts
21:10I'll a separate pair Jordans he'd slip on a pair my mom's jeans and shoes
21:17we would just missed 3-pointers until sundown
21:21course we'd have to stop and pray to mentor I'm
21:26because are simpler times
21:29now you got plans a congressman couldn't with Israel
21:32you said it yourself we can't solve these problems by holding hands and
21:36singing Kumbaya
21:37comme yeah of course is the village in Africa
21:40where the president was born but
21:43messing that right combine
21:46think after six years in office your approval rating is at forty eight
21:50percent
21:51nunnally bad your grey hairs that eighty-five percent
21:54but here so white now I can talk back to the police
21:59in
22:04well high five about that when you and
22:08President Obama many ways you're coming up as in 2016 answer to that name
22:13promise to let hillary fix the economy for the last eight years
22:16then it could be you running away from her successful presidency
22:20I him as a president you bring together for land
22:24your lot like Madonna my
22:27you but given this country's so much but in like a year and a half
22:31you gotta stand this
22:36mister president it was a true honor to be here tonight and they do the White
22:40House Correspondents Association whatever that is
22:43light
22:45do I have to finish up because the exterminators need to get into this man
22:51got about them pizza to finish some stuff thank you so much something the